God always does this for me, I’m resisting this time more than most, but never the less, it’s happening just the same. I am almost ready to go. Not without heartbreak and tears and an incredible desire to stay, but still- ready to go. I knew he would do this, and I shouted at him about it a little bit. I’m not ready to be ready to go, I’m not ready to be ready to be home, and I’m not ready to be ready to go to Cairo. I don’t think God minds the shouting, if I’m going to be honest, at least I’m talking to Him. And of course, amidst the shouting, God is still God and slowly turning the pages for me toward the end of this chapter of my life. As I start to process leaving I pray that I never forget the faces, the names and the stories of the absolutely beautiful children who have left a mark on and changed my heart for forever. For now all I can do is cry about it and let God take care of everything else. It’s not easy feeling like you are doing to these children what every person in their short lives has ever done by leaving. It almost feels cruel that I came into their lives just long enough to love them, only to leave them just like everyone else has. I found here what I set out to find in the first place- something that makes my heart beat fast. Something that makes me feel like life has a purpose. I could live my whole life drying the tears and wiping the bums of amazing kids like the ones that have stolen my heart here and I absolutely mean that. I also found things I didn’t expect to find- like an intense struggle with God about kids suffering and all of the evil, pain and hideous things that are going on in the world. I learned a lot of real things about the way the world works and I want to spend the rest of my life living like I know those things are true.
If I’m going to see you sometime in the next month, know that I am excited about it and if I seem to not be, it’s just because seeing you means leaving here and while I am almost ready for that, I am not anywhere close to being excited about it.
kb
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2 comments:
It is sad, and I know it's not the same, but you'll always have the memories; and who knows, you could be back in Africa running your own outreach to the orphaned children there some day. Thanks for the Christmas card from you, Doug and Bud. That was a great picture and a very well written letter. I'm afraid I can't offer anything to come close to matching those, but CLICK HERE for ours to you guys. Merry Christmas, stay safe and make it back OK!
i'm a little late, and i know you are on your way home right now, but as sometimes who understands exactly what you are feeling i thought i should just let you know you are amazing and beautiful and these children have been so blessed by you being with them and loving them. and i will see you soon :)
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